Why I Am Running

Running this marathon is about far more than crossing a finish line — it’s a celebration of resilience, recovery, and overcoming challenges that once felt impossible.

My life took a sudden turn when I was diagnosed with cerebral hemiatrophy and epilepsy. Navigating complex neurological conditions meant facing unexpected physical barriers, constant medical appointments, and life-altering treatments, including undergoing Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) surgery.

Along the way, the physical toll brought heavy emotional weight. I went through a deeply painful chapter struggling with severe depression and suicidal ideation, where even reaching tomorrow felt like an uphill battle. But through dedicated care, strong support, and finding light in the darkest moments, I found a path forward and a renewed sense of purpose — reclaiming my health step by step, including a personal journey of weight loss that helped me rebuild my physical strength.

Today, every step I run is a victory over the obstacles in my past. I am running to:

Raise Awareness: Bring visibility to neurological conditions, DBS technology, and mental health challenges.
Celebrate Health & Recovery: Honor the physical transformation, weight loss, and strength gained through training and perseverance.
Break the Stigma: Show that struggling with depression or mental health is nothing to be ashamed of — and that recovery is possible.
Inspire Hope: Remind anyone going through their own dark valley that your story isn’t over, and strength often lies just on the other side.

18 years in the making The years before this — misdiagnosis, depression, and finding my way back

This section talks openly about depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. It's part of my story, so I'm telling it — but take care of yourself first. If you're struggling, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 by call or text.

After I graduated high school, I went to community college, and I wasn’t doing so well. My friends were going off to UC while I was at a local college, and my grades were teetering on the edge of failing. That’s when my depression kicked in — the start of what’s been an 18-year journey.

So I decided to see a psychiatrist — a decision that would change my life, for better and for worse. He thought I was schizophrenic and prescribed Geodon, Seroquel, Depakote, and an antidepressant. It felt like my brain was melting. One day in class I had an out-of-body experience — I felt myself walking up and out of the classroom, while my body stayed rooted to the floor.

I was done with those medications. That’s when my generalized tonic-clonic seizures reared their ugly head. I’d been having focal seizures the whole time, but Depakote is both an anticonvulsant and a bipolar medication — and what I didn’t know is that you have to titrate off it, not stop cold turkey. Once I was off the drugs, the real depression hit, and cutting is what came next.

On the outside, I seemed perfectly fine. On the inside, I was boiling. I started cutting myself — it let out pain I’d been carrying for a long time, in a way that, at the time, felt like the only release I had. I got better at hiding it over the years. I saw doctor after doctor, and most of them just handed me more medication that didn’t help. That’s when suicidal thoughts started creeping in.

I was thinking seriously about ending my life. I was on a lot of medication, and in my darkest moments I thought about taking all of it at once. My parents saw how bad things had gotten and asked if I needed to go to the psych ward. I thought about it for a long time — okay, not that long, honestly — and said yes. That decision set a new path for me. I was admitted to the psych ward at Cottage Hospital.

At the hospital, I was put on Adderall right away. It lifted my mood and gave me real focus. I was there for a week, and for once my psychiatrist and neurologist were in the same room — something that almost never happens. I’ve always felt my brain needed both of them working together, not just one or the other. I came out of it doing better, and I got a job I’m still working — 12 years now.

I was on and off Adderall for years, thinking it would help, but it didn’t always. It made me hyper-focused — not exactly a good thing when you’re a custodian working across multiple buildings at Vandenberg Space Force Base. I joked that I was a menace to society; eventually I made the firm call to stop. I’ve been sober from Adderall since 2022.

But the blankness was still there — nagging at me like a splinter you can’t quite pull out. I gained weight compensating for the depression, which is why I was so heavy a few years ago. Then came the breakthrough: DBS.